'Black Mirror' is the most contemptible piece of vile I've ever subjected myself to watching

October 25, 2016

The first episode of the third season of this artistic flop ends with two characters who I don't care to ever see on a screen again exchanging garbage insults with one another in a craftless rap-battle. "Fuck you" they scream at each other, and it feels like they are talking to me, gloating in the fact that Netflix just tricked me into watching 62 minutes of the most atrocious piece of ten-cent screen time I have ever forced myself to endure. And they played it all over pretentious, try-hard classical music. Fuck you back, most sincerely. 


This disgrace to art and insult to intelligence worldwide begins with the trite premise that humans have become subject to a five-point ratings system where only the cuntiest goldlovers receive high ratings and everyone else seems to clamor over their elite status in envy. The commentary begins and ends in the first two minutes of this episode, when we see Redhead McShittyBangsbutKindofCuteNosebutAlsoAwfulActor flit through a group of strangers, phone-scanning everyone she encounters with the gleeful ignorance of the kind of stilted, one-dimensional character only Netflix seems capable of churning out these days in the race to saturate the market with as much indigestible content as possible before their bubble bursts.


Honestly, if television were food right now, Netflix series are the Wendys,  Del Taco, Jack in the Box, shithole, thumb-in-your-chili eateries that aren't even on par with McDonalds; the kind of places that Michelle Obama makes PSA's about; the kind of places that sugar-dose this nation into an epidemic of footless diabetics. Netflix: 'Stranger Things' was an anomaly, 'Orange is the New Black' fell apart in the second season, 'Peaky Blinders' was unbearably impermeable, 'House of Cards' crumbled on itself, and every other dogshit, half-baked, nonsensical binge-series you've microwaved up since has been a mockery of the eight-dollar subscription that I share with fourteen friends. 


I'm not one to judge an entire series on a single episode (yes I am), but this season opener is the most mishandled satire on digital media, technological obsession, and instant gratification that I've seen since "Everything Before Us", an equally despicable tale of the EXACT SAME FUCKING PREMISE. 'Mirror Black' is thoroughly unsurprising (we knew what would happen from the very start), grossly inaccurate (the FEDs would never allow a system based on human judgment to decide whether or not someone can get on a flight), and a failure on all fronts of show-making -- from acting and dialogue, to set-design, to not even letting Bigtits McDirtface pop a titty in the final sequence.


Oh, and it's racist: 4 black characters in the whole episode, two of them are servers, one is the lowest ranked moron in the whole neighborhood who is being segregated from the main (a blessing in disguise, really), and one is simply in prison, unexplained. Now if the show had the nuance to make this a commentary about race, then it would play, but instead it was like the show-writers just said, hey, you know what might make this episode even more tawdry... racism.


The only thing more baffling than 'Black Mirror's' tangible terribleness is its popularity. But, then again, in this shit-twisted suckhole of a country, even Donald Trump can get elected and Ken Bone can get fucked. I don't care how many Salon, Verge and Slate critics you have in your pocket -- please, Netflix, stop trying so damn hard, or else pretty soon that frowning logo of yours will read like a disclaimer on mid-grade porn: only for the sad, cheap and mindless.


Bob Dylan, you're fucking next. 



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