D3 game proves headbutt should be legal in college soccer

November 18, 2016

In a shitty "playoff" game attended by only these guys girlfriends and parents, this video footage of a ball-punt to the opponents face, a bodyslam, and a referee headbutt has gotten more press and replay than any college soccer game yet this year, proving the old adage: if nobody is watching, just headbutt anyone you fucking want to. 


Did I just make that up? Yes. Do I still live by that motto? Yes. Anyone remember that time in college where I headbutted a future Olympian because he poured beer on my table? Probably not, because nobody was watching, so I did what I wanted. Headbutt. Straight to the nose. Olympian. Gold. 


Now, I'm not quite a soccer purist (could you tell?), but I do have some respect for the game. I'm not advocating for a full-on overhaul of the FIFA rules, or even trying to corrupt D1 soccer where future professionals actually play, just trying to bring a little viewership into the Division Three soccer world. 


Think about it. So many positives.


1. More viral videos of headbutts going around the web means more publicity for Universities. Did anyone outside of Massachusetts even know that there was another UMass? (There are actually 3... 4, you say? Go fuck yourself.) As they say in academia: any time you get on the news for students headbutting each other, your admissions numbers improve. 


2. More fans at live games. "Hey, Marty, we gotta go to the soccer game tonight, they got this guy who headbutts at least three people a game. He's a beast." No brainer. 


3. More equal opportunity for recruitment. There hasn't been a safe space for the headbutt in organized sport since, like, ever. So that means there is a huge market of potential headbutt superstars going untapped and, yes, being discriminated against on the daily. 


4. It's not like college soccer plays by actual rules (<< very reliable source, btw) anyway, so like, who gives a shit. 


tl;dr -- long live the headbutt, ruin soccer


This guy knows what I'm talking about...



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