The 5 people you meet at your 10-year high school reunion

November 30, 2016

Reunions are fun. You get to spend money on a flight home, go to a shady local watering hole, drink, yell conversation into people's faces, and hang out with your old high school cronies for the next four hours while you get obliterated then drunk-drive home. Nevertheless, you run into a few characters along the way. Here they are: 


1. The guy who still talks about wanting to suck your penis a lot. 


He's joking (obviously?), but he has yet to graduate from that high school lingo that you bonded on a long time ago. When he says, "bro, I miss having you in my mouth," you're all like... "true."


2. The girl you and your ex triple-kissed with one time at Steve's house.


She mostly just kissed your ex, but you slipped a little tongue into the corner of her mouth so she knew you were a part of it. And now she's here looking real awkward. She's pregnant now, but in her first trimester so she can have "girly drinks." Nice. 

3. The guy who committed treason. 


We all know this guy. He worked for the FEDs for two-years and in that time allowed thousands of undocumented immigrants to pay him a small fee in order to enter the country. He then tracked those immigrants down and deported them. He also tried to assassinate Joe Biden with a poison dart. He offers to buy you a round of picklebacks. 

4. The "cool' teacher who used to smoke cigarettes in the alley out back. 


Yeah, he still works at your high school. Yeah, he still let's kids cheat on all of his exams right in front of him. Yeah, he's a registered sex offender. Yeah, nobody knows why the hell he is at your reunion. But damn, can this guy order a vodka-soda like it's no one's business. 

5. The kid who came "this close" to blowing up the school. 


"I didn't tell anyone this before," he begins while sipping a Jim Beam and RC Cola, "but I had plans to blow up the science wing our sophomore year. I bought the explosives and everything." A nostalgic twinkle comes into his eye and the room seems to be moving in slow motion. 


"Yeah right, dude!" You chuckle, slapping him on the back. "Suck a dick!" 

Classic high school reunion. 

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