5 things that happen if you pull your card while the chip is still reading

December 13, 2016

We've been there, in line at the store, buying pretzels, mike and ikes and 6 dollar wine, waiting for our new technologies to kick and make the world a more secure place, "waiting for approval" the chip reader says, "DO NOT REMOVE CARD." 


"What if I did?" you ponder, the rebellion in your blood close to boiling over, hands anxious to pull the card, unleash anarchy upon the world. "What would happen next?" 


According to recent research, and depending on your bank, here are the 5 most common occurrences if you pull your card while the machine is still reading. 



1. The machine says, "Hey, what the fuck is your problem?" 


Certain machines have an intuitive understanding of humans, and will respond with this aggressive question from an androgynous celebrity voice. Many users who have experienced this have claimed that it is Tilda Swinton coming from the machine speaker, while others think it is the child-actor from Moonrise Kingdom. "Put it back in, slut," is a reported variation from several machines in New Jersey. 


2. All funds in your account are immediately distributed to orphanages in Afghanistan. 


Why Afghanistan? We don't know, but this rare-incident glitch has been noted in several different stores, predominantly in the Midwest. The money is immediately routed to this war-torn state  where it will be invested in several different public orphanages. All of the money. Baba Hosseini thanks you, you impatient fucktard. 


3. A Chase bank employee gets face-whacked with a bamboo stick.


Whacked right in the face. Bamboo. 300+ incidences of this variation have occurred across the United States, exclusively to employees of Chase bank. And apparently lightning does strike twice. Since data has been collected, one bank manager in Riverside, California has gotten his stupid face whacked, like, four times. 


4. Your girlfriend gets pregnant. 


The data on this one is a still dubious, but at least a dozen anecdotal reports of unwarranted pregnancy have been counted since stores went to chip reading technology. Ut-oh! 


5. The credit card turns into hot battery acid, melts your dumb stupid hand off. 


Second-hand reports of morons screaming and sprinting with melty hands out of Trader Joe's are few and far between, but enough evidence has been collected to confirm that sometimes your credit card turns into a chemical weapon and shreds your handflesh straight from your bone, scarring you for eternity. Apparently, the purchase still goes through though. 











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