"Game of Thrones" Spoiler Series: Installment 2

May 28, 2017

Welcome to the second installment of a weekly series that will answer some of the most pressing questions and reveal the Season 7 fates of all your favorite characters from HBO’s Game of Thrones. 

 

This week, we set out to answer questions about Westeros' favorite little swords-woman and throat cutter: Arya Stark. 

 

When we last left Arya, she had just baked the whole Frey family into a pie and served it to Walder Titus Andronicus style before cutting his traitorous fucking throat. When we pick back up with her in the seventh season she has reconvened with the real master of this turn-of-sigil-fates...

 

Now, there was lots of speculation last season about how Arya could have infiltrated the Frey stronghold, cut down a few inbreds, and have the time to bake a carefully crafted pie while going unnoticed by one of the most paranoid geezers in Westeros.

 

Well, idiots, she obviously had help. And it wasn't Jaquen Haqar, but rather her old friend Hot Pie, (DUH! Right!? Makes SO MUCH sense).

 

So you’re all probably wondering - How the hell did Hot Pie, a shriveled wad of chewed up bubble gum, manage to get himself out of the service of the inn-keep, and across half of Westeros in order to link up with Arya? Well we are too, and while we can’t say for certain, we speculate that he was probably getting butt plundered by some lonely travelers. After getting his brown bread baked a few too many times, he snapped and lashed out in a murderous rampage, eventually crossing paths with the mischievous former Lady of Winterfell.

Really, no matter how he ended up at the Twins, it will seem inconsequential given the gravity of what’s to come for this gruesome twosome. Personally, I wasn’t expecting the House of Black and White to factor into the series beyond this past season, but multiple sources suggest that Arya and her new sous chef will be returning to the free city of Braavos with some scores to settle.

 

Ben Hawkey, who portrays Hot Pie in the series, has dropped several hints that he will be back in Season 7 and begin his training to become a faceless man. You can expect to see him peddling some brown bread along the piers of Braavos between episodes 3-5. If that doesn’t make your clams and cockles tingle, then fuck you.

 

However, this is just the tip of the iceberg for the character. This next bit is truly remarkable. Seriously. I don’t think ANYONE really saw this coming. Think back to Season 4. Remember the royal wedding? How did that end again? Oh yeah. Joffrey was poisoned. By a PIE. A big pie! Like a pie so big only an experienced pie maker could have made it! Did we ever really find out who was responsible? Nope. We know that Littlefinger and Lady Olenna had something to do with it, but given the time that Hot Pie spent as a Lannister prisoner in Harrenhal alongside Arya,  we think it’s safe to say that there may be a few lions on his list as well.

So now you’re probably asking yourself, “Holy Shit! How did I not put that together?” Well, fear not. The sense of shame you are feeling for not being as big of a GOT fan as you brag to all your friends about will be vastly outweighed by the jubilation to come from ruining someone else’s year by sharing with them this amazing and indisputably true narrative of a character that even the most die-hard GOT fan has likely forgotten about.

 

Just think of the songs that’ll be written about him… Forget the Rains of Castamere and Bear and the Maiden Fair. I can already hear the chorus resounding, “Baked Walder’s sons into a pot pie, / the man who’s known as Hot Pie...” It’s almost too predictable to even count as a spoiler.


But seriously, think about it. Hot Pie revealing himself as the one responsible for Joffrey’s murder is almost as big of a deal as the big reveal at the end of the seventh season when you find out that Jon Snow and Meera Reed are twins by Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen, and that they get to ride Daenerys’ two other dragons into battle with the Night King, right before that huge revelation that Bran uses his time travel capabilities to bring Ned back to life.


So yeah, HOT PIE!!!!!

 

Also, remember this? 

 

 

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