The crossover athletes the world deserves in 2017

December 29, 2016

Some great sporting moments have come from our best athletes crossing realms and trying their hand at a new professional activity. We’ve seen the minor successes of Deion Sanders across the NFL and MLB (and almost basketball, apparently); Michael Jordan with the NBA, MLB, and Intergalactic Players Association. Then there was OJ Simpson who doubled as a running back and murderer; Michael Vick who threw footballs by day and gambled on dog fights by night… you get the point. 

We idolize our star athletes when they are in their comfort zone, but as soon as they branch out and try something new we scrutinize them to no end. I say, if Yao Ming wants to try his hand at field hockey, then all the power to him! 


Here are several players we’d love to see crossover, some for genuine interest in their talents, and others if only for the hilarity that is sure to immediately ensue. 


#1 Lebron James to the NFL


What it would take: A poor Cavs season, another superstar to the Warriors, and a 23 story building named after him in Cleveland.


What it would look like: Tight End for the Cleveland Browns, sells 100k Jerseys in the summer, fan support through the roof for 4 games until he gets flagged for 18 false starts, trying to dribble the ball on six occasions, and a several forward pass penalties which deem him ultimately untenable as a professional football athlete man. 


Fan Rating: 10/10


Crossover Success: 6/10


#2 Odell Beckham Junior to Major League Soccer


What it would take: 2 billion dollars and a cameo in the new season of Girls.


What it would look like: Similar to Chad Ochocinco's tryout (please watch that) with Sporting KC during the NFL lockout: top heavy, fast on a straight line but lacking endurance. He will certainly get megged like, all the fuckin time, but his breakaway speed makes him a promising lone forward. Yet he'll need to adjust from superstar to 80th minute substitute, which will ultimately hurt his confidence and ruin his form. We give him 3 months, then back to the NFL, but not after one goal and a red-card worthy celebration. 


Fan Rating: 6/10 


Crossover Success: 4/10


#3 Connor McGregor for the Featherwight Boxing Title


What it would take: This one’s a doozy, but Floyd has so much more to lose than McGregor that we can’t see this happening unless they guarantee Mayweather the win, give him 100$ mil, and let him jewel-uppercut combo several white people of his choosing. McGregor just needs Mayweather to talk shit to him one time. 


What it would look like: An MMA fighter with boxing experience going up against the most skillful and talented boxer of our generation. McGregor will throw some hays and work the body, but will eventually tire from Mayweather's pragmatic, precise approach and expose himself to an eventual flurry. Mayweather in 7. 


Fan Rating: 9/10


Crossover Success: 7/10


Bonus: Danny Ocean and company get to rob the Belagio again


#4 Roger Clemens, retired MLB pitcher, plays International Rugby. 

What it would take: Hall of Fame* baseball pitcher Roger Clemens has absolutely zero interest in playing the sport of rugby, but we’d still like this one-time superstar with arthritis in all of his major body areas to step onto the pitch against some 250 pound twinkle-toed tanks and play a sport his body is physically opposed to. The prospect of Clemens getting his knees turned backwards and glaucoma eyes gouged in the opening play of his rugby career might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but if he played for the Blackwater Sadists I bet we could get two or three rich fans to sponsor the quick end of his illustrious, yet tarnished athletic career. 


What it would look like: Baseball pitchers are notorious poor runners, and so are old men, and this is obviously a frail, fat old man who should never play professional anything again, but, I mean, if you want to see this guy get physically broken in a series of shoulder crunching body slams just because he's a liar and a cheat, then this one's for you. 


Fan rating: 3/10


Crossover Success: 1/10


Bonus: Live viewing of Roger Clemen’s arm getting ripped off like he's a dirty old zombie by this guy:


#5 Manut Bol does Sumo wrestling


This one's similar to Clemens, just a fish out of water, but man, this old tree would be a hoot for 30 seconds before this guy piledrives him through the mat. 


#6 Shaquille O’ Neal plays Ice Hockey

 Shaq on ice. Shaq in skates. Big Shaq. Cold Shaq. 


#7 Meryl Streep does punts for the San Francisco 49ers

 Nice lady. Great actress. Punting footballs. Not very far.


#8 Andy D’Avanzo as the coach for the US Women’s National Soccer team


#9 OJ Simpson as a judge on Chopped


 #10 I ran out of steam about an hour ago what is this post about again?  Byeee


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