These 5 snowmen will change the way you think about the holidays

December 30, 2016

 There is nothing that epitomizes the holiday season more than children rolling up snowballs and bringing winter's sweet droppings to life in the form of a snowman. And whether you live in a desert climate or in the throes of winter itself, it is near impossible to pass through a holiday season without hearing the sounds or seeing the sights of Frosty, the truest emblem of winter cheer. But these 5 abominations bear no relation to Frosty. Beware, these 5 snowmen will ruin your year. 


1. This balding victim of domestic abuse. 

 The decent attempt at rolling your traditional 3-ball snowman is undermined here by the fact that this snowman is clearly a cry for help. This sad symbol of muteness has "my dad burns me with cigarettes and mom steals my lunch money for crack-cocaine" written all over it. Watch it stare out into the great big world, begging idly for release. 


2. This haunting fugitive of the ninth ring of hell. 

 Don't let the sticks and carrot fool you, this amorphous mess of a snowpile has hiked its way up from the Dante's deepest ring and returns to the living world to betray his family and country. Those soulless black spots on its face tell the tale -- this sin-junkie has only one thing on his mind: the annihilation of everything you hold dear. 


3. This overblown, diabetic mound of regret. 

 Not only has this wreck been constructed with shovels and snowplows, an unforgivable snowman-sin, but its sickly, obese body seems to be consuming its own head -- arms wailing weakly as brain and face recede into the bottomless acid-hole we might venture to call a stomach. Imagine staring out of your front window as this frozen heap refuses to melt, declaring its terribleness to the world for months on end. 


4. This impoverished disaster. 

  This absolute catastrophe doesn't even deserve to be in a piece about snowmen, but here it is anyway, in all its disgusting glory. If snowmen have social classes, this one is the drug-riddled, half-dead hobo who has given up begging. This thing is the scum beyond the margins, the stinking jacket you step over in the street without realizing there is a human body underneath it. Look into its Rorschach face and tell me you don't see the hopelessness of human existence staring back at you. Damn this thing to hell. 


5. This frozen puddle of worthlessness. 

   I hate this thing so so much. God save us all.


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