FIFA official interested in MLS-style shootouts, other changes to World Cup

January 18, 2017

If FIFA technical director Marco van Basten has his way, the old-school MLS shootouts that were once the laughing stock of the football world could make their way to the World Cup. 

With changes being implemented to the World Cup tournament structure as a whole, van Basten has talked to several media outlets to ensure that the 48-team upgrade won't be the only headline grabber these days. 


Currently, penalty kicks (or "PKs" if you're American) are the only solution to a deadlock after 90+30 in knockout rounds such at Gold Cup and World Cup play. FIFA's golden boy van Basten would like to see these games end in a breakaway-style format, with players having 8 second to score from 25 meters. 


The Dutchman didn't stop there. In his report to the Associated Press, he alluded to several other "interesting" propositions that would change the game of football as we know it. Here they all are, outlined below.


    - scrapping the offside rule completely

    - creating an "orange card" 10 minute penalty for offenses between the level of yellow and red

    - creating a penalty box for orange card offenders where fans are allowed to throw 8 dollar beers at the players

   - switching from two halves to four quarters in a game 

   - having the referee begin the game by punting the ball straight up and yelling "SOCCER" 

   - allowing one player from each team to be a designated "enforcer" who is allowed to headbutt the opposition's goalkeeper and wear a knife on the toe of his boot

   - advocating for a "drink-off" between coaches at the half-time of tied matches, whereby the winner will receive one goal 

   - banning "all those fucking Irish" from all major international play 

   - sometimes letting, like, a pig or something run on the field "just to see what would happen"

   - building a trap door at the center circle of major venues that he can open "whenever I goddamn want"

   - cheerleaders, lots of Brazilian cheerleaders


At last report, van Basten was seen laughing maniacally while rigging the Keno balls for the UEFA cup drawings. 



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