February 12, 2017
How might we make a better chicken, I hear them ask.
Well you can get to know him, for starters,
Flesh always tastes better when you've groomed it yourself.
Think of Oscar and his pet lobster,
The one that didn't fit in the pot,
He tethered it to the slipknot of his yo-yo
And walked it around his dorm room,
Tried to teach it to split the atom
And forgot to feed it water,
It returned to the sea, one way or another.
You'll laugh when I tell you this,
But I don't think we should let dogs get drivers licenses,
I've never even seen one use a blinker, plus they're color blind,
I guess that's why all of our street signs have shapes too;
But still, they should at least have higher deductibles.
Have you heard the one about the Malti-poo who got pulled over
For using the carpool lane?
I've always thought it curious how the Chinese Zodiac has eleven
Run-of-the-mill animals and then just a fucking dragon.
What sign are you, Wayne, oh, a rat? Yeah I'm a dragon,
It says I should avoid the pig and the donkey, lol,
I rode one to a friend’s house where they served the other last month,
Yeah, I like the first scene in Inglourious Basterds,
No, I haven't seen her in a while now, she's dating an athlete,
They take cat pictures together...
Murakami and his damned felines, it's hard to explain to the students
That there is nothing more to explain, I've taken to using the term
Anti-allegory, but they've spent so much time tying words to chairs
Trying to beat confessions out of them (not my own lines)
That I'd rather let them play bad cop than corrupt.
They hate when the tiger walks out at the end of Life of Pi,
Like they wanted the boy to get married to it or something,
Like it's not a wild fuckin animal. But they've all read Jungle Books
And seen a guy swim laps with a polar bear and a monkey
Drive a mini-cycle and think Rufus is going to set the table
For dinner one day. Woof.
A man in an enclave sees the beloved village Retriever drowning,
In a current, next to him, an unknown old man, also drowning;
For some reason, he can only save one
(also remember the riddle about sheep wolf and raft?)
Who to cross? Who to save?
Himself! Crane would say. But he's the guy who killed the Oiler,
Or the fates did, or rather nobody did, he just died,
Like the nameless soldier in Algiers, where you should visit if you get a chance,
I hear their street meat is to die for.
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