July 4th Throwback - INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE IS SINGLE HANDEDLY THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE IVE EVER SEEN AND ITS NOT EVEN CLOSE.

July 3, 2017

 

ATTENTION EVERYONE: I HAVE MADE THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE AND VOLUNTEERED AS TRIBUTE SO NONE OF YOU HAVE TO ENDURE WHAT I HAVE. I IMPLORE YOU TO LISTEN. DO NOT SEE THIS FILM. IT IS PURE DOG SHIT.

 

YOU LOOKIN FOR LOGIC? PLOT? DIALOGUE? HAHA FUCK YOU THIS IS HOLLYWOOD AND WE ARE ALL HUMAN GARBAGE. YOU GET A HUGE FLEET OF ALIEN BEES THAT COME ATTACK EARTH FOR ITS MOLTEN LAVA CORE. THIS FLEET WILL HAVE AN ALIEN-SCORPION-OCTOPUS-BEE LADY RUNNING SHIT FROM THE MOTHERSHIP AND THE ONLY THING STOPPING HER IS THIS OVERSIZED CUE BALL/POKEBALL THAT HOLDS THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE AND CAME TO TELL US THAT BUT WE BLEW HER SHIT UP FIRST CUZ WERE AMERICANS AND WE DGAF. HOW DO WE KNOW THIS ABOUT THE POKEBALL? WELL, WHEN A HUMAN TOUCHES IT ITS SKIN TURNS TO JIZZ FOR A SEC AND THEN IT CAN SPEAK ENGLISH OUT OF NOWHERE.  

 

U WANT SOLDIERS TO FIGHT THE ALIENS? HAHA FUCK U I SAID THIS IS HOLLYWOOD. YOU GET A NERDY GUY WHOS NEVER HELD A GUN AND AN AFRICAN REBEL WARLORD WHO KILLS ALIENS WITH TWO MACHETES EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE IN THE MOVIE HAS ALIEN LASER GUNS. 

 

HOW DO WE GET TO THE QUEEN ALIEN, YOU ASK? HAHA EASY BRO WE FLY WILL SMITHS KID AND A GUY HE HATES UP THE SPACESHIPS SLOWLY CONSTRICTING ASS HOLE AREA TO TRY AND SET OFF SOME BOMBS. IF THOSE DON’T WORK (THEY DON’T) THEY CAN HIDE IN THE ALOE VERA PLANT RIVER AND EVENTUALLY JUST HOTBOX AN ALIEN SHIP AND STEAL IT OUT OF THERE. EASY PEASY. YOU WANT SOME RETURNING CHARACTERS? HAHA NO PROBLEM. THEY EITHER ALL JUST WOKE FROM A 20 YEAR COMA OR ARE HUGE PILL HEADS NOW BUT WE WILL RELY ON THEM HEAVILY FOR THEIR EXPERTISE THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE.  

 

BILL PULMAN WILL EVENTUALLY ONCE AGAIN FLY UP ALIEN BUTT HOLE TO BLOW UP THE SHIP BUT MOTHER QUEEN BEE LADY AINT DONE, SHE GOTTA CHASE DOWN A RANDOM SCHOOL BUS FULL OF KIDS DRIVEN BY JEFF GOLDBLUMS JEW DADT UNTIL WE LIGHT HER ASS UP WITH STOLEN ALIEN SHIPS. SHE WILL DIE A DRAMATIC DEATH NEXT TO RANDOM SCHOOL BUS OF KIDS AND EVERYONE WILL KISS AND JOKE AND AND JEW DAD WILL INTERRUPT A ROMANTIC MOMENT FOR COMEDIC RELIEF AND THE MOVIE WILL END.  HAHA ITLL BE CLASSIC.

 

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