Chick-fil-A's ad campaign isn't cute, it's dangerous

August 3, 2017

We've seen your billboards, and we're onto you. 

 

The highly touted ad campaign from Chick-fil-A, which features cows who suggest we eat more chicken and less beef, has been running for over 22 years now. And, quite frankly, their agenda has never looked so dangerous.

 

Let's start with the billboard that started everything. 

This gem of an advertisement first rolled out in 1995, and captured America's hearts and stomachs with a line of sale equating to little girls spelling things wrong on their lemonade stands. It was different than anything any other fast food chain was doing at the time in that it featured a couple of illiterate cows graffiti-ing city property. You're telling me these guys have the wherewithal to go to a store, purchase paint, climb a metal post, and scrawl a message across a 25 foot board, but they don't know that there's an E on the end of "more"? Sounds fishy to me. But they're new. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. 

 

But then the ads continued. 

This one features a cow dressed up with a chicken mask, and I'm not even exactly clear what the message is here. All I know is that this billboard was featured in 20 different US states on over 1,000 billboards. The ad cost was in the high-thousands, and reached an estimated 2 million Americans when it rolled out in 1998. That was also the year every kid decided they thought it was cute to start shortening the spelling of "you" and being generally flippant about even the easiest words to spell. Standardized test results from that year cite a ten-year low in English proficiency. The writing was already on the wall for these degenerate heifers. 

 

In 2000, things took a turn. 

The ads became less subtle, this one featuring some genetically modified spy-cows mission-impossibling their way onto this billboard to declare, loud and clear, that they were onto some "sneekie" shit. But America was already growing infatuated with the juicy chicken sandwiches that aren't served on sundays. The subliminal push towards an illiterate America was in full swing, propagated by none-other than a Christian extremist devoted to creating a mass of mindless chicken fuckers. 

 

Then things got violent.

In the summer of 2005, right at the height of the American Recession, the company either turned desperate or worse, and posted this threatening billboard which offered "free swim lessunz" to people who eat burgers. Seems harmless, right? But what is that? A fin in the swimming pool? A fucking SHARK FIN? If that's not a direct threat to me and my family, who love swimming but also don't like dying of shark-bites, then I don't know what is. We won't even touch upon the blatant disregard for the English language these cows have (who have been writing now for 10 years, mind you). 

 

And now we have this.

In 2010, with the masses hooked on the greasy goods from the chicken conglomerate, fil-A were pretty much free to do as they wished. This ad, showing those same junkie cows offending the sensibilities of the last remaining literate Americans with their chicken-shit spelling, threatens to "push the buttun" on anyone who doesn't eat chicken. What does the button do? We can only speculate, but does it have something to do with a fascist state of mind-control whereby all Americans are subject to virulent Christian propaganda, given rations of chicken grease and pink slime, and are convinced that the world is in a perpetual state of nuclear war to subdue our rebellious whims? Yes. Yes it does. 

 

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