There were some indisputably EPIC scenes in "Spoils Of War," last night's episode of Game of Thrones, the title of which hinted at Jaime's loot train making trails from Highgarden to King's Landing. And while It has been pointed out that Jaime did some stupid shit in a battle that mimicked a previous Targaryen/Lannister encounter, both sides of the coin are in need of improvement. We're going to talk specifically about the Drogon/Dany duo, who seem to get maimed every time they get into a goddamn battle.
Here are some available upgrades team D&D should consider before taking on another army, namely one that isn't standing defenseless in the middle of a field.
1. Fire Bomb
Agility -4 (temporary)
Drogon's seemingly endless stream of fire looks pretty awesome and does major damage, but it is a close range attack which drops the team near ground level. Nice for a few surprise swoops, but if that's all you have in your attack package, the enemy will get wise soon enough. So we're proposing Drogon upgrade the Fire Bomb skill, which allows him to charge up a fire attack and drop it in bomb form from high in the sky on all those redcoat motherfuckers.
2. Armored Wings
It's become quite clear by now that Drogon has some weak spots. And while we saw him sporting that armored breast upgrade last night, he is still vulnerable in the neck and sides. But not if you pimp out his wings with some dope armor. We're thinking something light and strong, you know, like DRAGONSCALES. Dragons don't grow scales on their wings, you say? Shut up and let me dream.
3. Scout Screech
If anyone was frustrated by the fact that this giant lizard and the Queen of Ten Titles seemed like they were fighting this battle on a different field than the Dothraki, you're not alone. They sent one guy to go in and take out the ONLY weapon that was a threat to Drogon, and that guy got scorpioned through the chest af. After that, it was Bronn and Scorpion vs. Dany and Drogon. But not with this upgrade, which allows D&D to screech for reinforcements wherever they are on the field of battle. We imagine this will work a lot better with the other two dragons around, but Jon and Tyrion don't know they can fly them yet (KIDDING!... Bran wargs one of them). Even so, a screech will serve as a rallying point for any available infantry, allowing the team to regroup on a different angle of the battle field.
4. Scout Steam
Similar to the last upgrade, this one allows Drogon to lay down streams of steam from mid-range, effectively blinding the ground troops and scalding their flesh with steamy steam. It's not a killer attack in itself, but it is an effective way of tagging enemy cohorts or long-range artillery for attack without having to get right in the face of the battle.
5. Pick people up and drop them/eat them/rip them in half
As a singular attack, Drogon swooping down and grabbing one, maybe two, foot soldiers and dropping them back down on their fellow bannermen/best friend isn't all that effective, but it helps keep friendly fire (lol) to a minimum, while delivering a precise strike. There is also the intimidation factor to consider—a dragon has just come down and not only taken your general right off his horse, but then proceeded to stare you right in the face and EAT the fucker. (Style points for burping out Lannister Lion garb).
6. Stealth Mode
We saw D&D employ this a few times last night to great effect. Drogon took on speed and cruised low and silent just over the water before mounting an attack, and also ghosted the Lions a few times by getting lost in the smoke and ash from its previous destructions. Always a good move to keep your enemies guessing where the next nuclear breath is going to come from while the Dothraki Horde rips their throats out.
7. Healing Roar
You've been maimed, say by a spear, or several hundred arrows, or a poisoned Scorpion bow (coming soon, trust me) and are running a little low on health. With this one in your arsenal, healing is only a roar away. Just take to ground, make yourself as big as possible, and unleash a hot, stinking roar while flexing all of those wounds straight out of your body. While temporarily vulnerable, this is a quick way to heal that can be used once during a given battle. (Style points for flexing a spear out of your neck and sending it through Cersei's eyeball.)
Are you excited to hear Dany say something other than "Dracarys"?! What other upgrades do you think D&D can afford? Wing slap? Tar spit? Dungeon fart? Let us know in the comments!