These Premier League players will make you feel better about your receding hairline

September 10, 2017

They're paid tens of hundreds of thousands of dollars a month to play football, but they're still susceptible to the laws of genetics. Let's take a look at four Premier League stars who will make you feel better about your own pattern of hairline recession.


1. Phil Jones

 The Manchester United center back is having a strong start to the 2017-18 campaign, and that's good news for any of you who look in the mirror every morning and wonder how many hairs fell out of your head while you were sleeping.


2. Xherdan Shaqiri

 The quick-footed Stoke City attacker has scored some memorable goals for his club and nation, but that doesn't make him insusceptible to male-pattern baldness. Watching this short, balding Swissman dance on the ball should be welcome relief to all of you whose youth has suddenly walked out on you like a bad one-night stand.


3. Christian Eriksen

 This talisman provided the second-most assists in the league during Tottenham's 2016-17 campaign, but even he cannot escape the sands of time. Watching him control the pitch from week to week will be gentle sedative to men and women who hate pictures from side-angles and prefer to hang out in darkened rooms. You're not losing your hair, it's only growing in different places, like in your nose and ears.


4. Danny Drinkwater

  One of Leicester City's key playmakers, Drinkwater helped the Foxes on their cinderella run from near-relegation to league-winners in the span of two seasons. Which is basically the opposite of what you have going on, as your glory years are long behind you, and you can't even drink IPAs or eat french fries without them turning straight into visceral fat. But alas, the man is human, and you are too, and while your wispy, thinning hair seems to fly off in even a slight wind, you can take solace in the fact that men just as bald as you are making millions and getting laid every weekend. Yet even they see the inevitable train of death looming just ahead.



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