5 Low Fat Alternatives to Eating Molly with Brie

May 19, 2018

If you don't subscribe to UK internet rags like Mixmag or Vice Munchies, you might have missed out on the latest trend sweeping the elite book club scene in London—that's right, women are getting together at dinner parties and wrapping their MDMA in a bit of brie to help temper the chemical taste while still getting wavy as fuck. And while we're not here to stop you from indulging in some serious pupil dilation, we thought we'd offer up some healthier alternatives for your Thursday night besides fatty cheese.

 

1. Molly Peanut Butter and Jelly, aka Happy Sandwiches - Fat: 3g; Carbs 110 g

 

Tyrone Biggums was an early trendsetter for the lunchtime drug sandwich, spreading crack on his PB&J's before it was cool. Now you can re-imagine that early 2000s staple with your own twist on this original classic.

 

"Hey, Sharon, what'dya think of the the twist at the end of Chapter 6."

 

"I didn't really get it, but hey are those the Happy Sandwiches everyone is talking about?"

Trash Alley Hangouts—the original dinner party

 

2. Molly Lettuce Wraps, aka Scooby Salad - Fat: 0g, Carbs 28g

 

Sandwiches a little too low-brow for you? Well, if you're like me, you know that greens are always a smart alternative when watching your fat intake, so how about you take some nice leaves of Boston or Butter Lettuce and fill it with your favorite MDMA? It might not disguise the chalky taste of the amphetamines, but at least you'll know you're watching that waistline!

 

"I gotta say, I could spend a whole night talking about the stylistic moves Woolf makes just in the first three pages of this text, am I right?"

 

"Fuck up, Melissa, gimme that nasty lettuce thing; I'm tryna get crunk."

Use the leftovers to prepare your son's lunch!

 

3. Molly with Wine, aka Moon Wine - Fat 0g, Carbs 40g (per glass)

 

Take some of that delicious moon dust and sprinkle it into a glass of your favorite red and you'll be making eyes at all the dads in the room. If you're lazy, you can just put an entire pill in there and wait a few minutes and it will just dissolve after a while. Consume with caution!

 

"Oh my God, Janice just picked up my glass of wine and she has no idea I dropped some smartees in it."

 

"Shouldn't you tell her?"

 

"Shit no, that's what she gets for showing up late."

Last time I did this I pissed on my tv

 

4. Molly and Half a Grape, aka Funny Raisins - Fat 0g, Carbs 3g

 

Really looking to slim it out these days? Cut a grape in half, stuff it with some pure ecstasy, and force that shit down your windpipe. You'll thank me later when you're rolling around on Shelley's £10,000 rug having a fit. 

 If you look at it long enough it starts looking like other things.

 

5. Molly and Vicks VapoRub, aka Dancing Shoes - Fat 0g, Carbs 0g

 

Why eat it when you can just snort it? Just make sure you put some Vicks on your upper lip and in your nostrils before you start cranking rails of the love drug, that shit can be harsh, and you don't want to wake up with chunky boogies and a bloody brain the next morning!

 

Pro tip: If you do have molly chunks in your nose the morning after, pick them and eat them.

That's why I always see this at music festivals! 

 

 

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