Mortal Kombat (1995) is a timeless classic and if you don't like it I hate you

June 8, 2018

First off, if you didn't watch this film growing up then you're either some kind of deprived trash-child or a young little fart-kid, in which case I don't mess with you at all so just stop reading right now.

 

Secondly off, if you didn't IMMEDIATELY put this jawn in your queue when Netflix proudly threw it up on their New Releases section then you are just an anarchist with no sense of humanity and I hate your guts.

 

Lastly, if you haven't grabbed a bottle of cheap vodka and some olive juice and straight up got AFTER IT while indulging in this goddamn work of art then there's nothing else I can really say to you....

 

Except!

Except!

 

You need to STFU and go watch this film TONIGHT. And, of course, I'm gonna tell you why. You ready? You ain't ready.

 

Answer this trivia question first, then you can prove whether you're ready...

 

In the Mortal Kombat video game, what is announced at the end of a round when you have defeated an opponent without having taken any damage to your own fighter?

a. "Flawless Victory"

b. "Bra-less Victory" (lol)

c. "Perfection!"

d. "Good Job"

e. there is no announcement but your fighter does a special dance move

 

Did you guess correctly? The answer is, of course, a. Good job, you can keep reading now, even though you maybe got it wrong you Fortnite-playing plague on the planet youth (JK Fortnite cool, you not though).

 

K. Wow, lemme tell you, when I sat down to watch this joint the other night I had some reservations. I mean it had been like 15 years since I watched it last. You know how movies can age poorly; especially with all the new innovations in tech and CGI, old action flicks just don't hold up anymore (looking at you, Nosferatu—ever heard of a BUDGET you cheap ass idiots? lol). But the 90s were a golden age for action. And smack dab in the middle of this epic decade came a steamroller of a film which took a beloved indie video game and turned it into one of the most innovative, conceptual gems of its time. AND it still looks good.

 

Here are a few reasons why you need to put down that bag of Goldfish right now (Parmesan is best) and hop on over to Netflix to watch this Pulitzer Prize winning epic.

 

Set Design

 

Yo! These sets were crazy. In just the first 20 minutes you go from Johnny Cage's Hollywood backdrop (meta af), to an enchanted dragon ship sailing off in the misty Pacific, to an uncharted island, a robust dinner party, a tree-lined meadow, then finally to a skull factory where Johnny Cage smokes that bitch Scorpion with a dope-ass serrated shield causing the mans to squirt lava and blow tf up (last spoiler, I promise). IMDB has on record that they spent over 200 million dollars on travel expenses and set design alone, and the film only sold, like, a couple thousand tickets. If that's not commitment to art, then I don't know what is.

 

 No trees were harmed in the making of this film.

 

Badass Baddies

 

Shang Tsung, Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Reptile, Kano, Goro—these are just a few names that won't mean a thing to you if you have no interest in this film or its characters and, once again, I have to simply ask why the shit you are still here reading. Go watch Handmaid's Tale, you neophyte scum.

When the lights go on at the end of a party

 

 

Award-Winning Fight Choreography

 

Whether it was Johnny Cage doing the splits and punching a 4-armed giant in his nutsack, Liu Kang doing a 20-kick combo in mid-fucking-air, or Sonya Blade (aka Veronica Vaughn aka Billy Madison's teacher aka soo hot) skinny-armed ass kicking Kano the half-face rapist, the fight scenes in this movie were PURE. Straight trend-setting stuff. I know because after watching it I dropkicked my friend in his parent's basement and put a hole in their drywall then threw a Frito in his brother's eye. Flawless Victory.

"And that's...  "Get this."  "And then..." "Eat this."  "Nothing."

 

Satirical Genius

 

Awash in a decade full of self-serious, hard-hitting cop capers, this film sidestepped the muck of the industry and made something so knowingly terrible that you had to just sit back and be like, damn, this movie is dumb as SHIT! I like it.

 I am cool and all those other movies suck #diehard #asianmullet

 

No CGI

 

None.

When you wake up and realize it's Friday

 

Goro

 

Dude. If you don't fuck with Goro by this point in the game then you really gotta get those tastebuds re-examined. Look at this fool! The man wavered between Prince-like manners at the dinner table to just smashing things with his mongoloid fingers. And yeah, he says "Rarrrr" a lot, but he also shows deep concern for the civility of the Mortal Kombat battle, always ready to support his master, a true apprentice. But, jokes aside, Goro was a lot of kids' first entry-point into discussion about living with a disability, and his ascension to a multi-generational action-hero despite having arms growing out of his ribcage is truly inspirational stuff. Thank you, Goro. Thank you, Mortal Kombat.

 #MakeGoroGreatAgain

 

 

 

 

 

 

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