"Where the hell are we supposed to park this thing?"
Last night my wife and I had a bunch of box wine and watched Arrival, which is a sci-fi movie about how a couple of octopusses come down from space in giant eggplants and spray ink on Amy Adams until she falls asleep.
It starts off pretty good with Amy Adams as a really smart school teacher with a giant tv in her classroom and the kids want her to put it on all the time instead of her teaching them about languages. But her language skills come in handy eventually when Forrest Whitaker drives a helicopter into her living room and says, "Hey lady, you gotta come talk to these aliens for us," so she packs her bags and gets into the helicopter which also contains Jeremy Renner who knows a lot about science.
There are a dozen other eggplants that are floating around the planet but the movie only chooses to focus on the one in Montana because it is the only one that had Hollywood actress Amy Adams inside of it. I guess it was a good choice because she asks a lot of really good questions, including offering the octopus a bird to eat because she knows space octopee like eating birds, and writing the word "Dirty Harry" on a chalkboard and showing it to them. They get really excited and start pouring their ink around and everyone thinks Amy is a genius because they didn't try that yet and she says "What else have you guys tried?" and Whitaker says "The last guy in here just showed them a bunch of elementary drawings of penises so we had to have him beheaded."
That face when you cropdust your own spacesuit right before they introduce you to the aliens.
Eventually, people start getting worried because there are all of these ominous eggplant things taking up a lot of space and nobody knows how to cook them or why they haven't hatched yet, so a couple of rah-rah army guys sneak inside one night and try and blow one of them up with C4. The octopies get really mad and move their eggs like two hundred feet to confuse everyone, and Amy gets mad too and she goes on a rant to Jeremy Renner about how those army guys are lunatics and they are going to destroy the world if somebody doesn't get payback on them and Jeremy says back to her "Whose car are we gonna take?" and Amy falls in love with him right then and there.
They end up giving birth to wicked smart girl.
There are some more intense scenes like when Tzi Ma the governor of China and father of Soo Yong from the movie Rush Hour makes Amy punch his cell phone number into her phone at a big important dance. Amy calls him later when she is being held at gunpoint and he gets her out trouble even though she has committed an act of treason by helping the octos make a painting way better than anything else anyone on earth has ever seen then selling it on Craigslist for like 20 bucks.
Ultimately, the octos get kind of tired of hanging around earth because someone is pointing a giant missile at them the entire time so they take off and just dump a bunch of trash out of their windows on their way home. That part made me laugh.
Pretty much Arrival is about how troublesome it is to try and communicate with sea creatures from outer space, the universality of the Dirty Harry movies, and how hard it is to drive an eggplant. We had a lot of fun watching it and my wife spent some time talking about Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five for a while afterwards but I was pretty cocked from the boxwine so most of it went in one ear and out the other. I give the movie a score of seventeen Narfingtons because there was a couple of scenes that made me laugh in it and also the octopi didn't eat the bird that Amy brought which I thought was a nice thing to do.