Yesterday my wife and I smashed a bunch of sparkling seltzers and watched the nine hour Netflix movie called Stranger Things 3 in which a bunch of teenagers invite a bulky-ass spider named Squelch to the mall for a hangout and then end up exploding everything with homemade dynamite.
But there was so much more to it than just the spider such as pudding rats, ham radios, clips from the HBO show Chernobyl, a man named The Russian Terminator, and a scene in which a bunch of mean journalist dudes put a dildo inside Nancy Drew's work locker and laugh when she opens it. Plus a cool soundtrack! So let's take a look at some of the best and not-so-best moments from this long film and ultimately try and figure out what it was all about! CAUTION: spoilers ahead but this whole piece is a joke so it shouldn't actually ruin anything for you unless you are a pinhead.
(That's Squelch on the right who had one line in this movie where he said "Ahooga" when looking at some woman's breasts)
How It Begins
Let me start by saying we had a tough time getting started with this movie, and not because it is slow-going but because we were wasted and actually started with episode three from the first movie instead of movie number three and I was like "hey, look that girl Barb is back taking a swim in the pool, ha what pleasant nostalgia they are using to begin this movie by using scenes from the previous movies" and then an hour later my wife was like "you are the stupidest man I know" at which point we had to turn the tv off and reflect on some of our life choices because, man, we were drunk. But after a little nap and a lot of chips and dip we were ready to start again so at about noon-time PST on July 5 until about midnight we watched the whole Strangers Things 3 with some steady poop breaks and time for a dinner of lamb chops and overall I will tell you how I felt about it at the end of this essay.
To begin, the show continued in style of the predecessor seasons with the kids riding around on bicycles and moms with big hair walking around the house in their most expensive outfits, and also there continued to be lots of references to other 80s-era iconography like the store JCPenney and a bag of Doritos that was legitimately 35 years old that they made one of the boys eat on camera to "make it look authentic" but all he did was vomit cheese dust in his basement for a week straight which got condensed down into just thirty minutes of film runtime and that was basically how the movie started with the basement vomiting and the hot mom.
(There are 73 different products placed throughout the nine-hour film, can you spot them all?
We didn't. We just bought Burger King for breakfast like good Americans.)
The Good the Bad and the Ugly
Of course there were your archetypal villains and heroes in this movie, but since it was so long they made it even more confusing by having several good guys and several bad guys, the most notable of whom are listed below:
Girl with a Lot of Nosebleeds
Guy in Hawaiian Shirt who Looks like Fat Cop
A Sailor Boy and Girl
Pretty Much Anyone Under the age of 15
Bicycles (nobody bad rode a bicycle the entire movie)
Hot Eye Shadow Boy with a Mullet
Rats, the rats were bad
Squelch the Gigantic Spider Thing
Cigar Smoking Mayor
Anyone Holding a Gun Except Fat Cop
Skinny White Kid Legs in Track Shorts
Mean Journalist Men Who Make Nancy Drew Buy them Cheeseburgers
(Hot Billy aka Mullet Boy gets the same heroin disease Jared Leto had in Requiem for a Dream and it's super fucked up)
So how do they take all these good and bad things and pit them up against each other in order to make a coherent plot? Good question.
(When it looks good but you legit have no idea wtf is going on cus you been texting the whole time)
How It Ends
Well, pretty much all the teenage kids get a chance to make out with each other at some point even though one of them is constantly bleeding from her nose; a mother questions having an affair with a teenage boy until she realizes a rat is living in his blood systems; the Sailor Kids inject molly into their necks and learn to crash their cars into other cars with immunity from injury; the Chernobyl reactor is foiled from exploding because the Hawaiian Shirt good guy puts Russian Terminator's head right into the nuclear light effectively rewriting 30 years of history including the fall of the Soviet Union; Squelch the Spider has a foot race with a convertible then dies from eating too much Slushy at the mall; Winona Ryder punches the Mayor in the face.
(Caution: DON'T stick your dick in this thing)
What We Learned
This is usually the most important part of the essay so in assurance that I get this totally right I will pose a multiple choice question to the reader so that you can determine for yourself the most important lesson from the movie.
Which of the following provides the best description of what the Stranger Things 3 was really about?
a. Russians are dolts, and can easily be fooled by meddling teens (The Scooby Doo Theory)
b. Nuclear Energy isn't that bad as long as you don't let rats get into it (The Nuclear Juice theory)
c. The US Military and Government is structurally inept and policemen should always take issues like domestic terrorism and political corruption into their own hands (The Fat Rambo theory)
d. The 1980s were the zenith of American capitalism, everything thereafter is post-capitalism
which, when combined with ultra-nationalism, is certain to bring about the demise of this country (The Patriot Theory)
e. Life doesn't stop, your kids get old and start dating and sometimes evil things happen but that shouldn't stop you from laughing and sometimes your legs just don't work like they used to man the world is ruthless but there is some good in it too i hope lol (option e)
In all, we definitely enjoyed watching this movie and though it was definitely longer than some of the other movies I watched last week one of which was Forrest Gump (best ping-poing movie on the planet), it still deserves a score of Three Narfos, one for each of the movies they have made so far. We will be looking forward to the fourth which I bet will come out next Christmas and the fat cop isn't actually dead if you caught that aside during the end credits haha sorry.